Last night I found myself laying on the hammock on the porch to relax a bit before bed. I haven't hammocked much this year as the Lyme meds made me sensitive to heat and it has been dreadfully hot in the sun this summer. Plus, I'm living lower this year, closer to the city where it's warmer.
I flopped into the hammock and put my eyes to the stars and they felt like new things I hadn't seen before. Then, as my worldly stuff fell to the side, my eyes resolved the cross of Cygnus the swan right above me. I remember from the mountain that the backbone of Cygnus lies along the line of Milky Way, so I looked hard, but didn't see the Milky Way - there's too much light here in the 'burbs. I rested a little while and looked in the way of seeing without focusing, and eventually, or maybe I imagined it, the cloudiness of the Milky Way appeared. Up on the mountain, the Milky Way is blotchy and bright.
I laid some more on the hammock and thought about "stuff." We'd had a carbon monoxide call earlier and I went out in the first apparatus, and got to hold the CO detector as we went through the house, in full gear and on air. It felt really really good (aside from being uncomfortable and hot and sweaty).
As the new person, I concentrate on not being a drag on the group and not screwing up too much stuff, while trying to be a contributer and a problem solver (not a problem generator). Yesterday I got the air pack on, got gloved, got air started and got to the doorway at the same time as the other two guys (yay). (Aside: it's notable how much better I'm fitting in - it just occurred to me this morning that I pointed my back side at the driver and said, "turn me on," and neither one of us thought that was strange - for him to turn the knob on my air tank so I could breathe the air.) Also cool was that one of the guys got the CO detector out while we were enroute - and as we went in the house he asked if I knew how to use it (no), and then he handed it to me. Then later, someone else showed me how to use the tank-refiller and I refilled all our air tanks.
I feel like a sponge with these guys. I anticipated/hoped all along that eventually things would right themselves, and they appear to be doing just that. They're no longer afraid I'm going to sue if they swear, which helped them relax, and I can have a potty mouth myself at times. Are these guys my tribe? I can't tell yet. I still don't have anyone I can call when I feel like hanging out. That was one of my objectives and I'm not there yet.
I'm going to a concert tonight with NM, the guy I dated for 5 months earlier this year. It bothered me that I didn't have any friends that I could ask to the concert, so I eventually tried NM, who rearranged his schedule to be in town. We'll see how it goes - I don't think either of us wants to date again, but we might turn into doing stuff friends. Maybe.
Then I saw a shooting star. I thought about my wish, what I wanted to wish for. It occurred to me that, for the most part, there's nothing I need to wish for. Stuff is pretty good in my world. I concentrated on letting go of yesterday and letting go of tomorrow and just enjoying the moment. Then I saw another shooting star as the big guy up there said, "that's right."
Checking In On the River
1 day ago