Lighter

Whew.  I feel lighter now. 

Last summer I met someone online and we talked and emailed, seriously, for almost 2 months before we met.  We were talking like it was something real, and I wishfully imagined that I could skip the whole part about learning someone new and move straight to the part about sharing a life.  He talked about bringing his friends over and sounded so sincere, I bought new pillows.  It didn't work out that way.

We spent about 24 hours together one weekend, and then the next weekend, after he was supposed to be at my house, I got a text saying he was not coming, and found an email he had sent (well after I left work) to my work address, telling me that he was ending it.  I was stunned and crushed, and wrote obliquely about it here in October of last year.

Fast forward about 6 months and he's moved two states in my direction and now lives 20 minutes from my house (in a metropolis with a half a million people in it, I drive right by his house every day on my normal commute.  Go figure.  I was here first.).  He never stopped reading this blog, and added emails and phone calls to the contacts he had with me. I thought we might be friends (I know - what was I thinking??).  In April I realized that I didn't trust him to treat me any better than he had and asked him to stop emailing and calling.  I wrote here about closing doors.

I was hoping he'd stop reading the blog, so I could forget about the pain and him completely, but he didn't, and has even commented a few times since then.  Each comment, each day where he came to this blog 5+ times was like opening a wound.  I should be bigger than than and able to ignore that stuff, but I'm not.  Today I asked him to stop again, more clearly and more thoroughly than last time. 

I want that man to fade into my past.  I want to move wholly and completely past him and give my heart, new and eagerly to Mr Right, wherever he is.  Hope, who writes Hope Dies Last wrote about it beautifully today.

Plus, with decks clear, I can be open to try again.  For the last few weeks I've been emailing and talking to someone new.  Shhh.  We'll call him Mr North for now.