It's layin' track time. After every big event, there's a time where the main thing is to put time in between now and the thing. Yesterday was my first day driving home after a full day at work, and I thought, "the last time I did this, I came home to catastrophe." A few more days of track to lay and I'll say on Monday, "last week today, it happened." And days and weeks will pass and the track will get longer, and my feelings about the event will lose their sharp edges.
I was terrified on Tuesday that my neighbor would do something unreasonable, that Sparky had been hurt by Bo. Of just about everything. My stomach twisted into knots and my thoughts took me to daydreams of getting away to a place where everything is always nice, where there aren't any hillbilly neighbors or dangerous dogs. I did research about places to go and I felt like I was doing something. (I have a long history of moving when the going gets tough.) But Tuesday passed without incident. And then Wednesday and Thursday. The knots in my stomach started to untie. Slowly. Layin' track.
This morning I caught myself humming, and I saw how beautiful the sun was filtering through the reddening trees. I'm off balance, but not knocked off my basic core of happy like I was last year. Tomorrow I'll take Bo back. The stove will be repaired tomorrow. Tomorrow it will be just me, the cat, the dogs and the chickens - and a working stove.
There's a song Nanci Griffith sings, called Late Night Grande Hotel that fits my life in several ways. Partial lyrics below:
I'm working on a morning flight to anywhere but here
I'm watching this evening fire burn away my tears
All my life I've left my troubles by the door
'Cos leaving is all I've ever known before
It's not the way you say you'll hear my heart when the music ends
I am just learning how to fly away again
And maybe you were thinking that you thought you knew me well
But no-one ever knows the heart of anyone else
I feel like Garbo in this Late Night Grande Hotel
'Cos living alone is all I've ever done well
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So glad to hear a little peace is coming. Hang in there, girl. Thinkin' about ya.
ReplyDeleteI like that analogy a lot.
ReplyDeleteI understand the need to flee when the going gets rough. I have felt that many times myself. After I was bit by the neighbors dog it took me a while to feel comfortable in my own neighborhood. I can now walk by their house again but I still keep my eyes open for that dog! Peace.
ReplyDeleteJordan,
ReplyDeleteFor me it was hard to "Find Forward" again.. Coming up to and across Time's and Date's found me grinding gears and spinning in circles. My Mare and I deal with pain in EXACTLY the same way but we also become ready to find each other at exactly the same time.. We Both wanted to leave this farm when "our gelding" passed away 1 year, 6 months, 23 days and 4 hours ago but we forced each other to stay...We are FINALLY Finding Forward every day.
We all deal with Tragedy in our own way and our own time and I hope your Tracks lead you back around to your dreams. You have dreams that are worth fighting for...
Judy and Barb - sometimes I think this is a version of post traumatic stress, remembering such strong pain. But we can't live in a world that doesn't have pain in it. Thanks for sharing.
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