I think all of us who are new to owning farm animals learn on the job. We all get our first animals with a mixture of fear and hope, and try to do the best we can while learning as fast as possible how not to kill them. Most of us are lucky and the animals don't die. Eventually we become farmers.
Penny and Coco didn't have the luxury of being with me as I fumbled through our first years together. The one deadly thing happened that most owners dread and only some owners prepare for. I could have done more. I could have gone to the neighbor as soon as I got the goats and asked her to keep her dogs confined. I could have strange-dog proofed the fencing. I could have had a livestock guardian. But I didn't. I have 2 dogs and I thought it was sufficient. I didn't do great, but I did OK. In some worlds it would have been enough. Not in this one.
In one instant I went from being a goat owner to being a person who doesn't own goats. My to-do list still has, "build milking stand" on it. It still has, "finish the website for goodearthgoats," something I was working on in my free time. My camera still has goat pictures on it. I feel like I'm learning a new language or a new skill. My mouth feels strange making words. I walk into a room on the way to doing something and have to stop and think about whether I still need to do what I walked into the room to do. Or has the goats' death made whatever task I was going to do irrelevant. I have to re-learn what it's like to not own the goats. This whole thing has been one big push on the "rewind" button, except now there's bad blood with my neighbor.
It's been really helpful to read that others of you have had similar things happen. I'm not beating myself up (too much). I wasn't a perfect mommy, and it's obvious that I wasn't even a good enough mommy. I made a beginners mistake by leaving that one weakness open and the goats paid with their lives. I won't make that mistake again. I'm sorry Penny and Coco.
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I know you are a 'find the good' kind of person, so try and focus on the future. Start a list so that, when you begin again (and you will), you are ahead. Most of us learn lessons the hard way. And most of what we learn and how we learn it is out of our hands. Just be sure not to let go of your vision.
ReplyDeleteThe learning curve is steep, and sometimes very painful. But, bottom line, Penny and Coco's deaths would not have happened if it had not been for your neighbor's negligence and lack of responsibility. You didn't do anything "wrong." Their lives were way too short, but what happy, cared for, pleasant lives they had because of you.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad that you're writing every day, reaching out to your online community.
ReplyDeleteYou were certainly a "good enough" mommy! If you had known this might happen, would you have ignored it? Of course not! You would have done everything you could to prevent it. You took very good care of Penny and Coco and this could not have been predicted. Learn from it, and work on it so it won't happen again. That's all you can do.
ReplyDeleteJordan, no, no, no - please don't beat yourself up! NO "parent" can plan & prepare for EVERYTHING! What I hear from you, though, which I think is SUPER NEAT (although a totally sh*tty way to find out) is that you LOVE having goats! It's official: you want to be a goat farmer! So, as soon as your legs are steady enough, get back on that saddle, okay? :)
ReplyDeleteFrom Chicken Mama who did NOT realize how tough Turkey Durk's neck would be when she (tried to) euthanize(d) him.
There are so many lessons to learn on the homestead, and most of them can't be learned from a book. Many of the lessons are painful. We had a baby goat hang itself in a hay feeder, which happened well before I even had a blog. But that's one reason I don't mind sharing my mistakes with people on my blog -- hopefully, others can be spared the same mistakes. And regardless of how long you do it, there is always more to learn. Like Chicken Mama said, you've learned that you love goats, so figure out what you need to change, and start over again. And even though there will be days with more heartache, there will be other days (like when baby goats are born) when it feels like your heart is going to explode with joy!
ReplyDeleteI agree with the previous comments, and think your feelings of failure are misplaced. There isn't a good reason for you not to make whatever changes you see necessary and get back to it by getting a couple more goats. They were happy and well cared-for by you and the ball was rolling, so to speak.
ReplyDeleteNo one can expect a person's every decision in a new enterprise to be exactly right. Just ask any parent.
Thanks again folks! I'll start over again next year with more doelings. I want to make sure this neighbor dog thing settles out and the beast won't come back, and I want to get things set and be more prepared. Next year...
ReplyDeleteWhat do you think about finding a renter/roommate for this stretch of time when you're still working away from the homestead? Someone you trust, someone who can work from home, someone interested in homesteading?
ReplyDeleteI have this vision of our future farm being a haven for doctoral students writing their dissertations, their rent lowered in exchange for farm work, and the farm chores being a good balance to their heavy thinking.