Thursday, November 18, 2010

Drivin' and Cryin'

So I went to pick up a refill on Desmond's painkiller prescription today and spoke to them about his final appointment.  For the last six weeks Desmond's been getting high twice a day on some opiate -  and it's made a huge difference in his demeanor. There's no pain anymore in him and he notices things now that he used to ignore in his focus on the basics.  Get up.  Walk.  Pee.  Poop.  Lie down.  Now his ears perk up, and sometime he trots.  He trots!

But the last week or so has found him unable to get up without a boost and I've realized that it's time for him.  I've known for a while that it was coming and am secretly thankful that it comes before we move to the new house.  The basement is the only place where a dog could live without walking up steps, and he'd have to live down there by himself or be carried up and down.  The one would make him very unhappy and the other, he's made clear hurts him.

It's been a year full of loss and tears over various things and here I am, eyes melting in the car on the way home.  But I come around the final bend and see Desmond and Maggie both upright and running (or trotting) to meet me as I stop the car and I think that maybe it's not time after all.  Then later he accidentally leaves another poop bomb in the house as he's been doing almost daily for a year and I remember that it really is time for him.  I'm sorry Desmond.  I'm glad that you're happy and you feel no pain and I'm sorry that it's only because of the drugs.  This week you'll eat like a king!  Cheeseburgers, ice cream, whatever you want!  Too bad you can't tell me to make you a hamburger pie with lamb gravy.  Maybe I'll make one anyway.


  1. Sigh....... and a hug.

    Been there, but my dog mercifully died in his sleep one night as I was wrestling over how to know when it was time.

    Dogs lives are too short.

    And Jordan, congrats on the new home. I hear you, about moving closer in. I am debating selling my rural place in VT -- after all the local VTers told me it is too remote for a single woman. But it doesn't make a lot of sense to me to have a house in town, and a house in a city in NY. So, debating selling both, and having an office/studio (not a house) in the city, and a home in a rural town.

    I wish I could make decisions as fast as you! What a talent to have!

  2. Oh, damn. Crying for Desmond, crying for you. It's the right time. It's the right thing to do. You have given him two extra, wonderful years. Give him a big hug for me. We'll all miss him.

    P.S. Find out just what is the ingredient in his pain meds that gives him the high twice a day. I could use it especially at 4:30 every afternoon.

  3. Ha! I'm with Mama Pea. Once a day, even.

    Jordan, I hope you can take some comfort in the idea that you gave this old dog a great life for the time you had him.

    One a little brighter note, check out Jim S's photos he recently put on FB - they're contact sheets, but I thought I might have seen you and I in there.

    I've been a little nostalgic for those times of late, where it was a given that we were part of a tribe.

  4. Kate - the more I think about it, the more I realize that what I was trying to do was impossible. (watch Chicken Mama show that I'm wrong by doing it swimmingly!) It's a big relief to not have to try so hard any more.

    Mama Pea, Linda - it's called Tramadol. I'd give you what I'll have left over, but I'm saving it for myself! (joking. sortof.)

    Linda - that's exactly the phrase I've been using lately, "tribe." I've written here about looking for friends, but it's more than that. It's looking for my peeps. The ones that'll call me up when something's going on so I can participate. Gawd, I miss being a part of something like that.

  5. Desmond is a nice old boy, and you provided him with a loving home for his final few years. It's all about quality of life, in my mind. Once that's gone, it more cruel to keep them going.

  6. Jordan, So sorry to hear about Desmond. Glad to hear that you will be doing the "right thing" for him. You were so good to him in his senior years and he can be thankful for that. Craigs List is filled with throw away dogs. Desmond was truly lucky. Still it hurts like crazy (I lost both my dogs within four months of each other) to have to do what you need to do. In the not too distant future, you will be able to smile when you think of him and the funny things he may have done. They live such relatively short lives.