Here's a quote from Jon Katz's blog today:
I think love is a choice. You get up even if you are tired to say goodbye or make breakfast. You put them before you. You reach out, even when you are tired and self-absorbed. You put aside fear because it kills love, and hope. You think every morning, “what can I do to brighten the day of this person? What does she need from me? What little think can I do to show her that she is cared for, valued and thought of?”
Maria, his love interest, is a lucky person.
I've been divorced for over 10 years now, and have been trying (sometimes harder, sometimes less hard) to find a partner since then. After 10 years of optimism, hope, belief, I am finally beginning to internalize the fact that I may be alone the rest of my life and not view that thought with so much dread or sorrow. I am no longer interested in wasting any more energy on things which do not feed my soul. Internet dating is one of those things. Before, I thought it was an investment with a potentially great payoff, but after years of spending so much mental and emotional energy on that rollercoaster, I want to get off. I want to use that mental and emotional energy on nourishing the connections that I already have and feeding my spirit. That's a much more certain payoff.
Sour grapes? Winter blahs? Maybe. And of course the upcoming Valentine's Day has a bit to do with it. But decisions where I move taking care of myself higher on my list are never wrong decisions to make, no matter the impetus.
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There are people who believe that until you are truly happy with yourself, by yourself, you will never be sending out the right vibrations to attract that "right" life partner to you. In other words, if you are dissatisfied, unhappy with your life, discontent, etc. you won't send out the same vibrations that you would if you were "in a good spot", loving yourself and your life. We attract to us what we send out.
ReplyDeleteSo when we put ourselves at the top of the list of whom to take care and grow into a joyful person living a fulfilling life of our own . . . when we stop putting the time and energy into LOOKING for Mr. Right, that's exactly when he walks up and says, "Hi! You called?"
(I'm not going to read my mom's comment until I post my own . . . not wanting to have what she said skew my thoughts.)
ReplyDeleteI think this is a GREAT idea. Seems that by doing those 'overt' things like Internet dating, you were spending too much time in THEM instead of on YOU . . . even tho, (yes, I know) the idea was that you would reap what you would sow. So! Sew?
Point is, BE YOURSELF. Even if you find your mind wandering to the "what wonderful man is going to find me out here?!" when you're digging in the fresh dirt of your raised beds this spring . . . stop and ask yourself, "That may be true, BUT . . . am I doing what I WANT to be doing right now? Yes."
Besides, I have a LOT of single friends, and not a ONE of them has had luck with online dating.
Your future happiness in life depends on you: not a (potential) mate.
Enough preaching. Maybe I should listen to myself once in a while, eh? ;)
I remember you writing something similar in the past, Mama Pea, and I totally agree. My thinking in the past has always been along those lines, you know, get happy and Mr Right will come along. OK.... now. Alright, how about .... now. Not too difficult since I'm generally a happy person. But I've always had the expectation that it would happen at some point. I'm just now getting OK with the concept that it may NEVER happen. Interestingly, one of the guys I dated a few months ago said that guys like women to be a little vulnerable, to not have it all together. That way the guy can come in and help and feel needed. Who knows?? What I know is that for some period of time, I'm really going to be more careful about not spending energy on things that don't nurture me.
ReplyDeleteI think it's good you realize that you are a priority too! It can be lonely, but keeping busy and surrounding yourself with things and people you love can help quite a lot.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was in college, my roommate and I celebrated S.A.D. - Singles Awareness Day on Valentines Day. I think Valentines Day is way over-commercialized. Growing up, my mom didn't make it a "husband and wife" thing. She made it a family thing where she would leave us kids chocolates and valentines. It can definitely be more than just about a couple's relationship but also about loving the people around us like family and friends.
My brother was divorced, kids with their mom, and really just wanted someone to do things with. Now he is dating a widow of one of my classmates, but she wants to be around all the time...and he misses having some space and time to himself..
ReplyDeleteIt'll work out. Right now you make ALL of your own decisions. My hubby would not go for goats or chickens...I love him dearly, and I don't know that I actually want those things, but I know that it isn't worth the battle.
Sarah Rachelle - that's what my mother did as well. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised to find chocolate in my mailbox this week (did'ja read that mom?). I plan to do a V Day post on the relationships in my animal family, am collecting the pics now.
ReplyDeleteKaren Sue - I DO appreciate the positives of living alone, like having the toilet seat be where I left it, as a quick example. I think the discovery for me is how much energy I've been giving away to things that don't come back to me (in good feelings, health, happiness, etc, etc). I can't really afford that - I need to spend my energy and time on things/people that take care of ME as well. That way - if I'm alone forever, I'll be healthy and happy anyway.
I had a similar realization the other day. Thinking that I had gone above and beyond to maintain the long distance relationship, practically rearranging my life for it. Then the online dating that was such a drain on everything, although I did make a new friend from it. It was sort of fear-driven, and I think the point of the exercise was for me to realize that I'm still here, and my life is still here, my kid, etc. - all the important stuff remains in place.
ReplyDeleteI'm not giving up hope. I've always assumed PC (Prince Charming) will materialize one of these days. But I'm more like you now, in that I'm trying to shift my focus back to figuring out and following through on the things that are important to me.
Enough drivel - How light is it staying late these days up there?
Linda, I had been reading your blog and totally identified with your sentiment that internet dating is time-consuming and ultimately draining. I think that's what got me thinking about it more mindfully. It's still dark when I get home, but I can see into the mailbox now, so in a few days it will be light when I get home. How's your wool coat??
ReplyDeleteIt's been light until about 5:30 these days, a noticable difference when trying to get the dog to the dog park at the end of the day.
ReplyDeleteYou know, I like that ooat more than I should. It's sort of retro, sort of Post 1. I've gotten to wear it a lot because it's been pretty mild. If it drops below 20, though, I'll have to pull out the parka :-(
Jordan, I found your blog recently and loved it. I grew up in upstate New York and have serious thoughts about moving back when I retire to have a few acres, a chicken coop, and maybe a couple of goats. I've been alone for almost 5 years now after a 23 year marriage and a previous marriage before that. Although I am lonely at times, I'm mostly very happy. I am free to do what I love without judgment, free to eat what I want, plant what i want, go where I please whenever I please. I'm not antisocial. I do love people, but I love peace in my life more I think. Visitors are always welcome, but it's nice when they leave too. I can't retire for another two years but those farms in upstate New York are calling to me more and more, especially after reading your blog.
ReplyDeleteGenny - welcome! Glad you discovered this blog! I agree with you - my solo life is very, very good, for the same reasons you mention. But I too am lonely sometimes. I've met a TON of wonderful, really interesting and happy women who are alone. It seems like without a partner, they develop so much more character.
ReplyDelete