In the last few months, I've written some about wanting to take better care of myself. I found out last fall that two people I was close to had passed away in their prime which has given me a beginning sense of my own mortality. It's partly not wanting to die young, but more, "If I do die young, will that mean my life was marked more by wanting and doing than by living?"
Thinking about how I'd answer that question now, vs how I want to answer it (there's that wanting again!) has led to a few changes over the last month.
First - I've been feeding myself better. I've made my own lunch and dinner most days without resorting to prepackaged pasta even once. (Sorry Ms Rosenfeld, CEO of Kraft, maker of macaroni and cheese.) I'm feeding myself better food; fresh eggs, bacon, salad, nuts, cheese made with raw milk, fresh vegetables, fresh meat.
Second - I'm relaxing a bit and letting people in more. My life for the past 10 years has been a blur of places and people and jobs, and one survival mechanism has been to not form close relationships, for the most part. I'm slowly letting those walls down and am beginning to get the sense of having supportive relationships in my life again.
Third - I've begun taking advice from my gut. My heart and my head don't always give me good advice and don't always lead me in the right direction. I've begun to listen to the advice of my belly. I know it sounds weird, but a wise person told me to pay attention to my gut feeling. My belly doesn't have a brain so it can't overthink anything. My belly doesn't have a heart, so isn't moved by pain or desire. My belly doesn't worry about things it can't control. It just is. Asking my belly what it feels jerks me back from thinking about tomorrow or yesterday and into the present. Often my belly feels like everything is OK, it's OK to just be. That's something my mind or my heart don't often think.
That's it. It's not earthshaking. There's lots more I'd like to change, like changing my food mix to more local and less processed, adding more exercise into the mix, and some other minor things I'd like to change like the whole how-I-support-myself thing, for example. I'll never be fully able to move from wanting to being, and I'm certainly never going to be perfect. But I can tell it's working already. I've found a sense of peace, at least occasionally, by letting go of some things I can't control. I've lost almost 5 pounds and I'm feeling a little healthier. I bought a bag of Fritos Sunday, in a moment of weakness, and when I ate them Monday noticed how greasy they tasted; my taste buds had adjusted to the more natural, less processed foods I've been eating for the last month or so. All of this combined with the increased light and warmth that are coming, give me the feeling that the upcoming months are going to be incredible! My belly thinks so, too.
Different Season, Different Place
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